"This is how it works. You're young until you're not. You love until you don't. You try until you can't. You laugh until you cry. You cry until you laugh. And everyone must breathe. Until their dying breath."

My life yesterday went from hell to back in a span of 4pm to 7pm. I had the worst afternoon in a long time. I came home excited to see my family. My daughter, Lia and my wife who has just been released from the hospital, the 2nd time around. Yet, the first person who welcomed me was my mother-in-law, who told me to move the car because my dad-in-law was not home yet. Whatever happened to "welcome home" or "how was your day"? I told my mom that i would be going soon, I just had to pick up my sister because i needed to do groceries and pick up a prescription. So I kissed my daughter and saw my wife. She looked stressed and a little irritated. I kissed her and to no effect, she had the same look. I was thrown off. I picked up my sister and just left.

"While we were on our knees. Praying that disease. Would leave the ones we love. And never come again"

In the car, I had the worse time trying to figure out what was up with your ate. Maybe her mother nagged her again. Maybe Lia is crying most of the day. Maybe, she just didn't want me to leave. With all the maybes in my head, It just stressed me out. It felt like a plague just hit me, a disease spreading. I feel no warmth from everybody. I feel like I have been neglected too much. I felt underappreciated by everyone from my in-laws to my wife's relatives. I felt like I have always been just Malou's husband. I didn't have an identity at all. It just made me mad and everything around me turned black. I was again exhausted and on a warpath. As everything turned black, I thought about stuff that I should not be thinking like cancelling my daughter's christening party and other senseless things. I became so frustrated that I began to lose focus. I forgot my numbers to play in the lotto. I didn't want to pick the right chips for my sister. I just felt extremely lonel, with the only advice that I should followis something I don't want to hear or do. "STICK IT OUT and SUCK IT UP!!!"  Never, I had felt so lost, so exhausted, and so angry at myself and the whole world.

"No, this is how it works. You peer inside yourself. You take the things you like. And try to love the things you took. And then you take that love you made. And stick it into some. Someone else's heart. Pumping someone else's blood. And walking arm in arm. You hope it don't get harmed. But even if it does. You'll just do it all again."

When I came home, I went straight up to the bedroom and laid on the floor and looked at the ceiling. I felt like crying but just like countless times like when my sister came and my mom came, but I didn't. I wanted too but my brain just won't let me. Sometimes, I think America turned my heart cold. I want my ideal world. I want to be recognized, as John Glen. I want to be independent with my family in my own home. I want to known by my new relatives. Is it really me who is cold or them. I want suggestions given to me and can reject it freely but nicely. I don't want to be under house rules or be hustled. Then it hit me that I can't. So I closed my eyes and just dreamt about it. I slept it off. I woke up a few minutes after and like the blackness slowly being pushed out. I heard a voice telling me to get up. I took a hot shower after that. I prayed knelt down and prayed. That cleared my head even more.  I need to wait a wii bit longer. I need to hold on. I just hope i don't get harmed but even when I do, I guess I just have to do it all again.